Pastoring contentious people

Dear pastor,

Have you ever had the privilege of pastoring a strong-willed person?

Hopefully you are already smiling at my use of the word “privilege.”

Ministry is already hard enough without putting strong-willed, obstinate, cantankerous and contentious people into the mix. And yet that is precisely what many of us face week in and week out.

And we believe God can change them, but we also know that they have to want to be changed and have to ask and allow God to do a transforming work in them.

So how exactly do we pastor contentious people?

First I guess we should discuss how we know they are contentious? There are certain similar characteristics or traits that we look for (and each of these might indicate something different about the person’s motive or goal).

Some difficult people:

• Want to argue about everything.
• Have an opinion about everything.
• Don’t have a filter on what comes out of their mouth.
• Seem to say everything with a sneer or a frown.
• Appear to be arrogant and condescending.
• Don’t think you know anything or that you have ever considered their perspective.
• Think there is always some threat or obstacle we haven’t considered.

And the list goes on.

I have a book in my office called “Well-intentioned dragons” and it talks about people in the church who might have some good motives but they still end up biting and devouring people along the way.

As pastors it is our responsibility to protect our flock, bring unity to the church, listen to concerns, have a teachable spirit, be willing to try new things and this list also goes on and on.

And it seems like some of these contentious people have lists and lists of what you and I as pastors should be doing and could be doing.

This contentiousness and criticism can be overwhelming, overbearing, debilitating and demoralizing.

So here is my advice to you:

1. Listen carefully and respond gently.
2. Take what they say with a benefit of the doubt that at least a small part of their motive is good.
3. Take what they say with a “grain of salt” recognizing that perhaps much of their criticism is unfounded and untrue.
4. Look for the truth in the midst of the unhelpful, unnecessary and unkind words.
5. Pray for that person and commit them to the Lord.
6. Continue gathering around yourself the godly voices who will help you to know and discern God’s will for your ministry.
7. Don’t bully the bullies and don’t use the pulpit to settle a disagreement.
8. Preach, teach and live the Truth of the Word with grace and in love.
9. As necessary (and as led of the Holy Spirit) gently confront people whose contentious ways are leading to division, negativity and complaining.
10. Remember above all that you will give an answer to God in heaven for how you lead, serve, act and react. But don’t try to independently decide what you should do, recognize that God will give you wise and encouraging voices who can give you wisdom and tact and grace to help the most difficult people.

This blog post is way too short to actually do justice to such a difficult and nuanced topic. But I hope that something small here has given you help and hope as you minister to difficult people.

My heart goes out to you because times of conflict are often lonely times and the moments when we daydream about getting out and going somewhere else or doing something else. But I believe that God has called you and He Himself will equip you to stay the course and graciously shepherd even the stubborn sheep in the flock.

I am praying for you. Please seek out books and people who can help you in this, don’t try to do it alone. And don’t give up hope, God is surely able to encourage you, strengthen you and miraculously help you along the way!